←BackZineJUL182019
Issue 10: First Gen
Edited by Lulu Wang Awkwafina Miranda Barnes Janicza Bravo Ziwe Fumudoh Cathy Lu Hasan Minhaj Mike Solomonov Cristina Victor Ocean Vuong Maryam Yousif Michelle Zauner Jenny Zhang Nguan
ZineIssue 09: Seeds
I happen to now be the same age my mother was when she left China—36. At 36, I have traveled all over the world. I think of my mother at my age, having never left her home country. I think of the significance of that one-way flight from Beijing to Miami. I think of what it would be like, at my current age, to move to a new country where I’d have to start over—to learn a new language, make new friends, and trade in my esteemed career for an entry-level job that regularly leaves me humiliated and demoralized. I think about what factors in my own life would justify such a drastic move. I can’t think of any, and I realize that’s the point.
My parents have always raised my brother and me to be American. When I asked my mother about this, she said it’s because she wanted us to feel whole here. “Not like us,” she said. “We have half of our life and heart in China, because we can’t remove the history we have over there: childhood, education, friends, parents.” She feels divided. “Half and half. That's hard. We don't want your life that hard.” I asked her if she felt like raising us to be American has created dissonance in our relationship, a constant negotiation between two worlds. “Of course,” she said. “But this is our sacrifice. This is first generation immigration, we have to sacrifice this. But you don’t want to make your children connect with you and ruin their life.”
I ask myself if I actually feel whole in America. In a country built on the backs of immigrants, who gets to claim wholeness? Who gets to have ownership over "Americanness"? I don’t have the answers. But I feel it’s incumbent on all of us to ask the questions. When I tell my mother this, she says, “That’s because you’re American.”
– Lulu
UNITED STATES
Arizona
Casa Video Tucson
California
Arcana: Books on the Arts Los Angeles
Boba Guys Los Angeles
Import News Los Angeles
MoCA Los Angeles
Skylight Books Los Angeles
These Days Los Angeles
Videotheque Los Angeles
Virgil Normal Los Angeles
Gym Standard San Diego
Boba Guys San Francisco
City Lights San Francisco
Heath Newsstand San Francisco
Import News San Francisco
Park Life San Francisco
Colorado
Shop at MATTER Denver
Florida
BASE Miami
Exile Books Miami
Miam Miami
Georgia
Muchacho Atlanta
Quick Quick Atlanta
Videodrome Atlanta
Illinois
Facets Rental Chicago
Notre Chicago
Quimby’s Bookstore Chicago
Volumes Bookstore Chicago
Massachusetts
Bodega Boston
Video Underground Boston
Maryland
Atomic Books Baltimore
Beyond Video Baltimore
Michigan
Nora Detroit
Trinosophes Detroit
Minnesota
Boneshaker Books Minneapolis
Golden Rule Minneapolis
Missouri
KANSO Kansas City
North Carolina
Video Vortex Raleigh
New York
Homecoming Brooklyn
Relationships Brooklyn
Stonefruit Espresso Brooklyn
MoMA PS1 Long Island City
Boba Guys New York
Dashwood Books New York
Import News New York
Printed Matter New York
Oklahoma
Commonplace Books Oklahoma City
Oregon
Ampersand Gallery Portland
Monograph Bookwerks Portland
Unspoken Portland
Pennsylvania
Viva Video! Ardmore
Rikumo Philadelphia
Yowie Philadelphia
Tennessee
Wilder Nashville
Texas
BLK Vinyl Austin
Vulcan Video Austin
Utah
Actual Source Provo
Washington
Homestead Seattle
Scarecrow Video Seattle
Totokaelo Seattle
Wisconsin
Wildewood Madison
CANADA
Art Metropole Toronto
Better Gift Shop Toronto
TIFF Lightbox Toronto
I happen to now be the same age my mother was when she left China—36. At 36, I have traveled all over the world. I think of my mother at my age, having never left her home country. I think of the significance of that one-way flight from Beijing to Miami. I think of what it would be like, at my current age, to move to a new country where I’d have to start over—to learn a new language, make new friends, and trade in my esteemed career for an entry-level job that regularly leaves me humiliated and demoralized. I think about what factors in my own life would justify such a drastic move. I can’t think of any, and I realize that’s the point.
My parents have always raised my brother and me to be American. When I asked my mother about this, she said it’s because she wanted us to feel whole here. “Not like us,” she said. “We have half of our life and heart in China, because we can’t remove the history we have over there: childhood, education, friends, parents.” She feels divided. “Half and half. That's hard. We don't want your life that hard.” I asked her if she felt like raising us to be American has created dissonance in our relationship, a constant negotiation between two worlds. “Of course,” she said. “But this is our sacrifice. This is first generation immigration, we have to sacrifice this. But you don’t want to make your children connect with you and ruin their life.”
I ask myself if I actually feel whole in America. In a country built on the backs of immigrants, who gets to claim wholeness? Who gets to have ownership over "Americanness"? I don’t have the answers. But I feel it’s incumbent on all of us to ask the questions. When I tell my mother this, she says, “That’s because you’re American.”
– Lulu
UNITED STATES
Arizona
Casa Video Tucson
California
Arcana: Books on the Arts Los Angeles
Boba Guys Los Angeles
Import News Los Angeles
MoCA Los Angeles
Skylight Books Los Angeles
These Days Los Angeles
Videotheque Los Angeles
Virgil Normal Los Angeles
Gym Standard San Diego
Boba Guys San Francisco
City Lights San Francisco
Heath Newsstand San Francisco
Import News San Francisco
Park Life San Francisco
Colorado
Shop at MATTER Denver
Florida
BASE Miami
Exile Books Miami
Miam Miami
Georgia
Muchacho Atlanta
Quick Quick Atlanta
Videodrome Atlanta
Illinois
Facets Rental Chicago
Notre Chicago
Quimby’s Bookstore Chicago
Volumes Bookstore Chicago
Massachusetts
Bodega Boston
Video Underground Boston
Maryland
Atomic Books Baltimore
Beyond Video Baltimore
Michigan
Nora Detroit
Trinosophes Detroit
Minnesota
Boneshaker Books Minneapolis
Golden Rule Minneapolis
Missouri
KANSO Kansas City
North Carolina
Video Vortex Raleigh
New York
Homecoming Brooklyn
Relationships Brooklyn
Stonefruit Espresso Brooklyn
MoMA PS1 Long Island City
Boba Guys New York
Dashwood Books New York
Import News New York
Printed Matter New York
Oklahoma
Commonplace Books Oklahoma City
Oregon
Ampersand Gallery Portland
Monograph Bookwerks Portland
Unspoken Portland
Pennsylvania
Viva Video! Ardmore
Rikumo Philadelphia
Yowie Philadelphia
Tennessee
Wilder Nashville
Texas
BLK Vinyl Austin
Vulcan Video Austin
Utah
Actual Source Provo
Washington
Homestead Seattle
Scarecrow Video Seattle
Totokaelo Seattle
Wisconsin
Wildewood Madison
CANADA
Art Metropole Toronto
Better Gift Shop Toronto
TIFF Lightbox Toronto
